You may be wondering, dear Reader, why I volunteered so eagerly to kidnap Jimmy. You see, as soon as I realized that they would kidnap him, with or without my benediction, I also comprehended, in a flash, that for Jimmy’s safety, it would be much better if I was to do it. The Tyrex and Charles are both very good persons, but I wanted Jimmy to be harmlessly kidnapped, not endangered in any way. Charles, while deeply cerebral, is not familiar with the usual workings of children. As for the Tyrex, well, you know how he is. Even I feel personally endangered when I walk with him.
So, for Jimmy’s safety, I had to be his kidnapper. It was a first for me. I had never kidnapped anybody before, for obvious reasons. I also didn’t want to google “How to kidnap a child”, for other obvious reasons. I had to improvise.
Not to sound too proud of myself, I think I managed admirably. Something to consider if, at some point, I want to switch career. On the appointed day, at the appointed time, I was ringing the bell of Charles’s place, holding Jimmy by the hand, a bag on the shoulder and a gloriously well-pleased smile on my face.
“Password? asked Charles’s beak.
-APOCALYFFINS, I answered without hesitation.
-That’s the stupidest password I’ve ever heard, commented Jimmy.”
Charles was so impressed by my success that he barely frowned at Jimmy, and we came in.
“How did it go? asked Charles.
-Without a hitch! Super smoothly! With brio!
-Good job, Blue! I have to admit, I doubted you. I’m glad you proved me wrong.
-Can I watch TV? asked Jimmy.
-Sure, said Charles, we can put on some Game of Thrones, and…”
This, dear Reader, is a good illustration of what I was saying earlier. I had to explain to Charles that it was not suitable for young children, even when they said they wanted to see blood and boobs. I had already unwittingly traumatized Jimmy once with a terrifying pig story when he was younger, and I didn’t want to traumatize him twice, or Muffin would never let me see him again. It took a while, because when you explain something to Charles, you have to justify everything with convincing arguments and strong sources, and my only arguments and sources are stammered words that don’t mean what I think they mean, accompanied by wild gestures and vocal sound effects. By the time I gave up, Jimmy had already watched three Ultimate Spiderman episodes and was clamouring for a snack.
“It is strange that Muffin didn’t contact us yet, wondered Charles. The note told her to call as soon as she got it, and she should be home by now… Maybe she’s so far gone that she doesn’t care about Jimmy anymore…”
We waited for a while, watching the Ultimate Spiderman with Jimmy. The Tyrex joined us and almost made Jimmy cry by eating his snack, but I had thankfully planned for that eventuality and had brought enough for everyone.
Charles was pacing up and down, and I could see he was worried. At the fourth Spiderman episode, he blurted out:
“Why isn’t she calling?? The note has been delivered, I left a threatening message with a robotic voice on her voicemail, everything is going according to plan, why isn’t she calling?
-Maybe we should send her one of Jimmy’s ears! said the Tyrex.
-That’s a really stupid idea, commented Jimmy. What would Mum do with it?”
I checked my phone.
“Well, do you want me to ask her? She’s texting me.”
Charles looked at me suspiciously. I went on.
“She’s asking if you’re eating your fruits, Jimmy. Come on, finish them, so that I can tell her you’re good!
-Fruits are stupid, I like chocolate cake better, grumbled Jimmy, but he finished his portion all the same.
-Awesome, Jimmy! I’m telling her. Also, I think you’ve watched enough Spiderman for today, maybe we could play a game? She says she’ll pick you up at 5, we have time for…”
I stopped talking because Charles was glaring at me so intensely that it was burning my brain.
“What are you looking at me like that for?” I protested.
He was breathing heavily and trembling, as if he was Gordon Ramsay having just spit a particularly nasty mouthful of undercooked cockroach droppings, and in a very menacing but oddly quiet tone, asked in a sing-song voice:
“Blue?
-That’s me!
-Did you…”
He seemed to have some trouble gulping down something – certainly an undercooked cockroach antenna stuck into his throat.
“Did you ask Muffin her permission to…”
Here, he made another pause and took a deep breath.
“…To kidnap Jimmy?”
I looked at him in amazement. I was nonplussed.
“Of course I did, Charles! Or else she would have been worried out of her mind!”
Charles gurgled for a few seconds, and then exploded. He had a lot of observations to make concerning my low intelligence, and he did them using sundry colourful expressions that I didn’t expect from him – which proves that those intellectual types really meet a variety of words in their extensive reading. I had to cover Jimmy’s ears while it was going on, but Jimmy still had an improved vocabulary from this day forward, and Muffin put all the blame on me. Once or twice, I thought it was over, but Charles was just pausing for effect, or breath – I was almost worried, seeing he was getting apoplectic. When it was over, the Tyrex applauded and I myself, though I was exceedingly piqued, admitted that Gordon Ramsay would not have put it better.
Nevertheless, I remarked coldly enough that it was an honest mistake, and there was no need to call people names.
“It’s time to try my solution!! vociferated the Tyrex gleefully. I’ll go right now!”
And before Charles – who, after his outburst, had buried his head in his wings and looked likely to stay like that for a few hours – or myself – still sore and grumbling under my beak – had time to restrain him or even utter a word, the Tyrex was gone.