A few days later, I was quietly drinking my morning coffee at work when Muffin bumped joyously into my chair to salute me and said excitedly:
“Blue, Blue, I did what you said and I found my place: it’s the most amazing gym! You’ve got to check it out!”
I didn’t answer at first, mainly because I was busy wiping off the spilled coffee off my face, clothes and desk, and she went on:
“I was walking around, you know, starting small, as you said, and then I saw a board… and the board talked to me, Blue! It was meant for me! I was meant to go to this place! The wolf says so!
-…said what?
-You’re fat! You’re ugly! Take action and get the perfect body you deserve in 30 days!
-Isn’t that wolf rather insulting?
-No, it was on the board! The wolf told me that with the Master Super Strong Thin Plan, I could get thin and beautiful in only 30 days! And it’s not so expensive… Also, there was a beautiful picture of a ferret!
-… on the Wolf?
-No, the board! And you should see the girls, they are all sooooooooo pretty in there!
-… on the board?
-No, at the Gym! Look, I brought you a pamphlet, I thought you’d like it and come with me for one of their classes!”
She threw a paper in my face. I read:
A real Gym for real sexy people.
Get ready to meet your real beach body!
There was a picture of a scantily-clad ferret, and a lot of explosive-sounding names for “Plans” including diet advice, meal replacements, and something called “Synthonic Carburator Machine”, guaranteed to make you “shed ungainly fat“, which sounded particularly scary and gross.
“Oh, Muffin, I said in a dubitative tone, I’m not quite sure…
-I understand if you’re scared, she said pompously. The wolf told me the workouts are really hard, and really hurt. I tried, and you can feel it working!
-No, but Muffin…
-And yes, you promised you’d accompany me to try, and I quote “anything that doesn’t involve drowning”, but I’d understand if you were busy with other things to do, more important, with other friends…”
I groaned.
A few hours later, I was in front of the Big Bad Gym.
The board was there, flashy and insulting, sneering at me with its sexy ferret. I groaned again.
I had been in places like that before, and I hadn’t liked the experience. It took me years to find the Care Bear Studio, and I have never looked back since. To be in front of a place like that made me appreciate my Care Bears so much that I almost called them then and there to tell them how awesome they are. I didn’t, though, it would have been weird, you know.
I stepped in.
The Gym was noisy, barely clean, full of mirrors and grunting muscly guys fighting for every inch of them, with a permanent smell of old socks, chemicals, and heavy perfumes.
The Wolf greeted me in person, all teeth out in a very big mouth, looked me from head to toe, and said:
“Welcome to the Big Bad Gym, you bird!! A good thing you came to us, you’ll see, we’ll get you in shape in no time! You’ve got a lot of feathers, but if you take one of our plans…
-I’ll just try that bootcamp class, thank you.”
I said that as frostily as I could, which was not cold enough to be considered as such by someone like that Wolf, but was the best I could do on someone I didn’t know.
I quickly disappeared in the locker room before he could try to sell me the dreaded Synthonic Carburator, or anything else. There, I was greeted by Muffin, who seemed tiny and shy, poor thing, and painfully out of place.
“Look how beautiful they are,” she whispered to me.
Indeed, I could easily see that, because they obviously wanted everybody to look how beautiful they were while naked. And I don’t mind a naked body, but maybe not so close to my face, you know, at least in most circumstances, if you see what I mean. Also, I didn’t think they were so beautiful, because I could see they were laughing at us, some even pointing at Muffin behind her back, and I’m of the opinion that anybody that does such a thing is ugly, very ugly indeed. They were ferrets, gazelles, leopards, talking very loudly of subjects that made me sad, in a tone that made me angry.
“Of course, said Muffin, for now they don’t care about me, but in 30 days, I’ll be sexy like them, and naked like them, they’ll talk to me, and I’ll be one of them, for real, you’ll see!”
That also made me sad. Very sad.
The workout was a regular workout. Instead of gentle support from your trainer, you get shouted at, instead of personalized advice, you get aches and injuries because nobody corrects your bad posture, but a burpee is still a burpee, unless nobody teaches you how do to do it.
When we finally got out, I was longing for the Care Bear Studio so badly that I almost ran to it, just to make sure it still existed and wasn’t a dream… Muffin couldn’t say enough of the Big Bad Gym and the Wolf.
“Muffin… Don’t you think they are a bit… superficial?
-I’m sure you’re falling in love with this Wolf, I saw how you were looking at him, Blue, squinting and grinding your teeth! You say you don’t, but I know it’s love!
-Maybe you know, a bit too centered around… appearances, you know?
-Don’t be a child, Blue, appearances are important. It’s so naive to think they are not! And I see what you’re doing, not wanting to talk about the wolf because you are sooooooo in love with him!”
No, I was not.
“I don’t mean it like that Muffin, I mean, they don’t talk about health at all…
-You’re like, oh I hate him, but it always starts like that and wham, you realize you loved him from the first! Ahah, you looooove him!”
No, I do not.
“Seriously, Muffin, I don’t think the Plans they propose are very healthy, and you know…
-And when you’ll have children, I’ll be like, I TOLD YOU SOOOOO! You’ll have so many children with him!!!”
God no, I won’t.
“Well of course for now, continued Muffin, he’s going out with the gorgeous blond ferret in the pink shorts and bra, and you’d need to lose weight because you’re a bit podgy for him you know, he told me so…
-I’d also need big mammary glands, Muffin, did you listen to anything I said?
-No I didn’t, you’re such a killjoy, Blue!”
I groaned.