February went by before we could say “freeze”, then March arrived and pretended it was January. I didn’t see Muffin much during those months, even though I knew she was still going to the Big Bad Gym 2 or 3 times a week, as she posted a very positive, hyper post on facebook every time she was there – which I evidently liked, as a good, supportive friend. She asked me to accompany her a few times, but I kept putting it back… I had a coffee with her once or twice, during which she talked in great detail of what she couldn’t eat and the effect of the “Weight-shedding” smoothies of the gym, and she seemed chirpy enough. However, as March showed its usual oscillations between winter, and more winter, I realized I hadn’t seen her for longer than five minutes in a while, so I decided to do something about it.
“Muffin! I said, it’s been too long! Why don’t you come with us for ramen this week?”
To which she answered she didn’t eat ramen, because it was too fat. I had to readjust my way of thinking to the new Muffin, and finally suggested a walk in the slush on Sunday – proposition to which the old Muffin would have balked at with hauteur, but which the new Muffin agreed to eagerly.
“Muffin didn’t want to come for ramen, I told the guys when we had the delicious bowls in front of us. Have you seen much of her lately?
-Not much, no, but she seems in an extreme good mood, said Charles, waving his chopsticks meaningfully. And I mean extreme!
-Is she? wondered Maurice. She bit my head off last Tuesday, and shouted at me in the most dreadful way!!
-What had you done, Maurice? I asked, while trying to contain a small sigh.
-Me? exclaimed the accused in a hurt tone. Nothing!!
-Not nothing, corrected Charles. You had “borrowed” her Switch and “forgotten” it was hers, if my memory serves me right.
-She doesn’t use it!! You know she doesn’t use it!! moaned Maurice. And I was playing Zelda!!”
The other guys commiserated with low grumbles. Maybe you don’t know it, dear non-gamer Reader, but Zelda is sacred.
“Anyway, went on Maurice, she could have asked, you know, nicely, instead of screaming those horrid things.
-Her response to this rather slight provocation was indeed, disproportionate, acquiesced Charles.
-I’m not a low-grade thief with a butt face, added Maurice, who looked understandably still sore about the scene.
-I meant her screaming was rather loud, never said she was inaccurate”, chuckled Charles.
The Tyrex stopped his loud slurping long enough to say audibly:
“Honest, she’s so ecstatic all the time, it gives me the heebie-jeebies!”
They all opined.
I stayed here, chopsticks in the air, a napkin held in front of me (I always splash myself copiously when eating ramens), and frowned deeply for a few minutes.
“Wait, guys, are you trying to say that something is wrong with Muffin?
-Damn right something is wrong!! said Maurice with feeling. She looks sick and dejected, and when you talk to her, she sounds like a maniac mechanical happy Barbie or something! She only ever talks about two things: her diet and her gym! She shouted at me and my digestion was upset for weeks, seriously, last Thursday I had onions and I am still tasting them right now! Also, I am NOT a scrotum-shaped egotistical monster depriving a sweet child of his Christmas gift!!”
To which Charles and the Tyrex dutifully retorted “Yes you are!”.
I didn’t. My heart wasn’t in it. I was worried.