A few days later, I was facing the black door of Charles’ lair.
I rang the old fashioned bell, bearing the usual offering of chips and wine in my arms, with some fruits for vitamins. The door creaked ominously, opened an inch, Charles’s beak peaked through and Charles whispered:
“Password?”
I had obviously forgotten all about the password, and whispered back:
“It’s me, Blue!”
The beak seemed to shake disdainfully and whispered more aggressively.
“PASSWORD?”
I sighed.
“How many tries do I get?
-What do you mean, how many tries? Do you know the password or not?
-Yes, yes, I know it! It’s… MUFFIN’S DOOM!
-No it isn’t.
-CATASTROFFINS?
-Absolutely not.
-MUSASTER?
-That’s stupid.
-APOCALYFFINS?”
There was a disapproving silence, then the door opened.
“Still, I must not complain, and I freely avow that, in any case, you did better than the Tyrex, who just yelled PASSWORD at the top of his lungs until I let him in”, said Charles, frowning.
I somewhat regretted not having thought of that one, gave him my chips, wine, and fruits, and started to remove my multitude of layers.
“Any news of the subject?”
I must admit I admire the incredible ability Charles has to whisper in italic. Try it at home, you will certainly find it’s not as easy as it sounds.
“Why are you whispering, Charles? Is Muffins here?
-You never know what’s lurking in the walls, answered Charles stiffly.
-Muffins is lurking in the walls?
-Do not try to be obtuse with me today, Blue! Do you have anything to report about our dear friend?
-Nothing new… She was still talking of a terrible weasel this morning… This one pretends to be her friend and always says things like “You’re so lucky you don’t care how fat you are! I wish I didn’t!” and I don’t think she’s really her friend, you know, and…
-I like weasels! said the Tyrex, popping his head at the living room door. Hi Blue! I remembered the password, you see!”
I finally managed to get out of my shoes and joined the Tyrex in the living room.
My friend Charles has unusual ideas about decoration. His living room looks as if he had wanted to go for an all-black gothic style, but got interrupted by something pink and fluffy. There is dark, solid black furniture, shelves full of dragons and dramatic books, a black chandelier and dark walls, but there are also white and pink furry cushions on a light pink divan with flowers and a flowery carpet. As a result, your brain is always trying to do a violent split while you’re in this room, which is both invigorating and slightly numbing.
Once he had set his delicate English tea service on his black sculpted coffee table, Charles officially started the Conspirators meeting by clinking a spoon against a teacup and calling for our attention in this words:
“Dear co-conspirators, we hereby are assembled today to discuss the fate of our dear friend Muffin. More than ever, she needs our help. And, as dedicated members of the League of Brave Helping Adventurers with Sandwiches (may I remind you that I’m not responsible for that name), we have gathered our thoughts and are now ready to present, each of us, the solution in which our cogitations resulted. Who wants to start? Blue?”
He ignored the Tyrex who was lifting his hands as high as he could, and, as I vigorously refused to start, went on:
“Very well, I shall start, then.”
He set down his cup, settled himself, and announced:
“My solution, dear co-conspirators, is to kidnap Jimmy.”
While the Tyrex didn’t seem to react at all, for my part, it would not be too much to say that I was startled, and I guess it showed plainly on my face, because he extended his wings and said:
“Before you say anything, let me explain.
-And my solution? interrupted the Tyrex.
-You see, the psychology of….
-My solution, continued the Tyrex, is to go to the Big Bad Gym, terrorize everybody, eat the wolf, and if she still doesn’t want to be reasonable, break Muffins legs! I’d roar and roar and roar!! Also, I like weasels. I bet they taste good. Maybe in a mixer with spinach?”
I had to take some time to explain to the Tyrex that he couldn’t possibly eat weasels, with or without spinach, also, that he was not allowed to eat the wolf, and even less allowed to break Muffin’s legs. Meanwhile, Charles was humming and hawing, until I was done and he finally said, with blatant disgust:
“Tyrex, there’s a lack of finesse in your plan that doesn’t surprise me at all. Still, it’s a good plan, thank you, can I go back to explaining mine? Unless Blue thinks she should explain hers first?”
The Tyrex exclaimed that Charles was worse than the weasels and that his plan was not fat, that Charles’s head was fat, that Charles was a fathead, that before this moment he had never realized what fathead meant and that… wait a minute, dickhead? hurh hurh hurh, he had never noticed before, hurh hurh hurh, but Charles was assuredly also a dickhead, and that he wanted to hear my plan first, because he didn’t want to hear anything more from a fathead.
“Very well then, said Charles frostily, go ahead and tell us your plan, Blue.”
I blushed and rolled my pink napkin with frills into a very tight knot.
“I thought we could talk to Muffins and tell her we love her, and…”
The Tyrex snickered. Charles snorted.
“Talk to Muffins!
-Tell her we love her!
-Didn’t we try that one before, with the party?
-You’re a fatter fathead than the fathead, Blue!”
My head drooped sadly.
“Don’t beat yourself up, Blue, said the Tyrex. Not everybody can have ideas. Now, mine is clearly the best, but I propose we hear Charles’ solution.
-Thank you, Tyrex. Thus, I was suggesting that we kidnap Jimmy. This is all based on my advanced knowledge of psychology. You see, the obstacle in the rehabilitation of Muffin to a normal state is that she lost view of what is really important. And what is really important in Muffin’s life?
-Ice cream? suggested the Tyrex.
-Love! announced Charles both triumphantly, and with a vicious side-glance at the Tyrex. Her son, her family, her friends! This is what is important.”
I applauded. There was a pause while I was cleaning up the tea I had spilled everywhere while doing so, then Charles went on.
“To give her perspective, and to center her life back to where it should be, we must administer to her a shock. A strong, salutary shock. Imagine her coming back to her home, looking for Jimmy everywhere, screaming his name and sobbing in her woe, then her joy at finding him again, safe and sound, and holding him in her arms once more when she thought he was lost forever? While she was thus holding him, would she think of the Wolf or the Weasels?”
I thought not. The Tyrex had to admit that he didn’t think she would.
“This shock, we must administer ourselves. We will not do it with pleasure. We will suffer while tormenting her, but we must stay strong and give her the medicine she needs, as distasteful as it can be.”
The Tyrex admitted it was so. I didn’t say anything.
“Very well, then, said Charles. The League of Brave Helping Adventurers with Sandwiches (once again, not my choice) being a democracy, we will adopt my solution. I shall write an anonymous ransom note with clips from old newspapers. The child can be brought here. Who will do the kidnapping? Tyrex?
-No no, said I quickly, I will do the kidnapping myself.
-Very well, Blue. I’m glad you see, as I do, that this is the only solution.”