How to choose your Thermarest mattress

I’m in no way a seasoned traveller, but it so happened that, in the course of my small adventures, I slept on a great number of different mattresses. It gave me a rare insight into Thermarest different products (they are indubitably the Kings of inflatable camping Mattresses, and no, I am in no way sponsored by them, but I clearly should) and just in case it could be of any use to you, dear Reader – also, let’s face it, because it is a funny subject for some strange reason – I decided to write this (rather silly) guide based on true experience.

Let’s start with Thermarest mattresses for backpacking trips.

The Thermarest Neo-Air Trekker

The Thermarest Neo-Air Trekker mattress is a very light, strong, comfortable mattress perfect for backpacking. It is not self-inflating. You can set it on the ground and look at it for a long time, it won’t inflate on its own (trust me on that one). You have to inflate it yourself.

But how? Well, dear reader, let me tell you how, in excruciating detail.

At first, you blow and you blow, then you huff and you puff, and like the wolf on the brick house of the third piggy, nothing happens. Like the wolf, feeling slightly stupid, you stop and think of your life choices, the probable existence of air pumps, and you examine the reasons that led you to try this weird solution to eat a pig, instead of just waiting for it to go to the market, or to his grandma with a basket or something, like some smarter, more sophisticated wolves.

Then, because you’re far away from any place susceptible to sell an air pump, another mattress, or a better pair a lungs, you go on blowing. What choice do you have now? You could sleep directly on the ground, but you don’t want to do that. It’s cold, and there are pointy, aggressive rocks on this ground. So you blow.

Your blowing has no effect whatsoever on the mattress. It still lies on the ground, flat, empty and soft.

You go on blowing.

A tiny giggle escapes you. You’re getting lightheaded, and it’s funny. Another giggle follows the first, because blowing repeatedly in something is funny.

You take a break, coughing sententiously to hide a third giggle, and contemplate the splendour of the nature surrounding you. You don’t think of that splendour, though. You only think of the mattress, hanging limply at your feet.

You start blowing again with renewed vigour.

Still, nothing happens.

You are starting to lose faith. Maybe you’re not blowing correctly. Maybe you’re blowing outside of the black thingy. Maybe you’re an inferior being, not fit to use the Thermarest Neo-Air Trekker, only deserving of the cold, pointy ground.

At the exact instant where you get lost in the grasps of a terrible existential despair, the mattress moves.

Hope and joy fill you up, and you blow with incredible energy. So much so that you have to stop because your head is really turning now. Squinting and panting, you blow again. Lo and behold, the mattress grows and grows with every blow, and before you know it, you’re done.

You squish it contentedly and contemplate your work with pride.

You will sleep like a king or queen tonight.

I’d say the only drawback of the Thermarest Neo-Air is that it is very noisy. Everytime you turn or move, you will be silently judged and insulted by the other people in the tent, nearby sleeping squirrels and birds, and also yourself.

Now, if you are a strong mountaineering bear of more than 6ft, and your main complaint with mattresses is usually that they are too small and you can’t fit every squishy part on them, my guess is you can easily inflate 4 or 5 of those in the time it takes me to vanquish one.

For those of us tiny birds with small lung capacity, there is my personal favourite: the Neo-Air XLite. The same comfort, without the existential despair. (that should be their tagline!) Very light, and far less noisy than the ear-crushing Trekker.

This is for those of you who like their comfort. If you don’t, you can sleep on one of those fancy thermal yoga mats, the Thermarest Z-Lite. I did for many years, and it’s fine, if you don’t mind rocks poking you in terrible places, and if you sleep motionless on your back. I do realize that not everybody sleeps like a blue feathery tornado, so maybe it is the option for you!

For trips where I have a base camp and a car, I use the bulkier, heavier Thermarest BaseCamp. This one is self inflatable. At least, it was, at first. Now, I don’t know if it’s that I’m less patient, or if just doesn’t work as it used to, but it needs some convincing and, during difficult evenings where you want it inflated right now, you’ll need to give it some help. Still, I’ve had mine for 10 years, and it’s as good as new.

I hope this was of some use to you, Dear Reader, or that, at least, you giggled like the Tyrex did, for some obscure reason. In any case, feel free to ask any question!