“Guys? says I, my whole body clenched as if I had been turned into an aching, trembling statue, gripping the wall of ice like an oyster grasps its rock, left foot dangling, right foot precariously wedged into fragile ice. Guys, remind me again, why am I doing that?
-It’s to get out of your comfort zone, answers a voice down below.
-You’re doing great! says another voice. Move your left foot!”
My right foot slides, I fall and stay there like a starfish on sand, holding my ice axes, my full body flat against the ice wall.
See, I’m not really doing that to go out of my comfort zone. If I wanted to get out of it, I’d just do something crazy like going out on a date, or in a crowd. No, I’m quite comfortable, except, you know, physically, because my knees are really badly bruised, some of my muscles just decided to stop working altogether, each of my calves has a crampon print on it, and I did hit the ice wall repeatedly with every available inch of my body.
“Place your feet”, says a very patient voice.
That’s where the voice comes from – when you’re at the top of course!
I wiggle my legs wildly, hit the ice (again, with my knee) and try to remember what position my feet are supposed to be in while scratching uselessly the smooth surface.
“Take your time!” says the voice, soothingly.
So I go back to my previous limpet* posture and think again.
Maybe some part of me would like to be one of those outdoorsy people who hike, climb, canoo, and do everything. I’m already limited by water because I keep drowning in it, and it vexes me to be also stopped by verticality because I’m desperately bad at climbing. It seems that my brain doesn’t register vertical moving as an action, and just contracts my whole body instead. Stupid brain.
I savagely hit the ice with my left foot and – miracle – it stays in!
“Good! says the voice. Now for your right foot, there is a spot just above your knee where you can just set it down.”
The voice belongs to the guide/instructor who belays me, and who really doesn’t seem to mind that it took me 30 minutes to go up 1m. Yet he must be cold, and bored, unless he finds it interesting to watch angry limpets who definitely don’t put their feet like they should, no matter how many times you tell them. It’s my second time climbing this wall, and the first time was even slower. Also at the end while he was bringing me down, I did find myself feet up, head down, dangling like a bewildered bat because I am incredibly inept and obviously lacking in any basic climbing-related skill.
I’M OKAY!!!
Anyway, my right foot is more or less stable, so I gather my forces to push my body – which is feeling more and more like hard concrete by the minute – up.
Damn this ice wall, I think. Damn this mountain. I got up there once, didn’t I, I’ll get up there again. Yes, the first time I got to the top, it was out of pure will and flaming rage, but I can do it again! AAAARRRRRRHHHHHHH!!!!!
IT’S WORKING! I’M GOING UP! I’M GOING…….
I slip and fall again, bounce on the wall and as I hit it with my back, one of my ice ax escapes from my grip and I watch it fall with anguish.
…
That’s how it felt, but you all know I was barely 1m from the ground.
Thankfully, it didn’t hit anyone, but fell in a hole, and the other guide had to fetch it, and I’m sorry Jo really, so sorry…
The view at the top (picture taken by Alex. When at the top, I was in the limpet posture)
I never got back to the top. Not on this particular day, but I’ll try again because I’m an obstinate Owl, and I’ll check regularly if my brain hasn’t changed his mind on verticality.
It was a great day despite the contusions and all. The instructors are very patient, reassuring, and take very good care of you, with warm beverages and comforting advice. So even if you are worried or unsure, dear Reader, if you ever want to try ice-climbing, try it with InspireA+! I’m certain there are no better way to try it, and no better people to try it with!
Also, I’ll be there, and you can laugh at me as much as you want as I dangle upside down and curse the mountain. I don’t mind.
Thank you InspireA+! 🙂
*Limpets are aquatic snails with a shell that is broadly conical in shape and a strong, muscular foot.